You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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