My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
