i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
