dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
