Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Are my feet made of real feet?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
