Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
