what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
