my mouth tastes like poor choices
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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