Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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