Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
