I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
