if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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