Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
