Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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