Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
