New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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