Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Dignity is for republicans.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Randomize