im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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