So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
