we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
