I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
