my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
