This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize