If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
