nut hugger
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
