I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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