i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
