textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
