they said they heard you say put it in my butt
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
