I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
