I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
