Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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