I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
