are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
