I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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