I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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