You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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