Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
