I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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