Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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