Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
