I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
