I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
