Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Actions speak louder than pants.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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