You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
