Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
