Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
