I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
