I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Swine flu. Run for my life!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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