I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Randomize
