I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize