he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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