Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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