So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
