It's Friday. Sex?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
