If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
