He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
