FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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