apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
