Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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